Birth

 

I find myself sitting here in the candlelight while writing this. The semi-darkness and the total silence of 3.33am is just what seems to be needed for this birth right now.

Today, I heard myself saying, "There's no birth without death, and no death without birth." I was realising this awesome truth in a moment of realness with reference to my own life.

I am making choices. Or, rather, it feels like the choices are making me. Birth feels like this to me, "If I don't do this, I'll die." It has this level of intensity, of pressure.

Maybe this is why I am writing and birthing right now during the spaciousness of the night? So that there is room. Room for the expansion. Room for my thoughts, for my being, without the chatter and clutter of life.

I experience personal transformation like squeezing through a portal, the birth canal of life.

It's not that I mentally plan what the new life is going to look like, exactly. I definitely try to. I envisage, I write lists, I review, I reach, and I pray.

It's more that, as my soul path takes form, my whole self receives the blueprint, and my mind interprets it.

Thank you mind. You are so, so clever, and it's the soul that is leading here. Isn't it always?

Isn't it the resisting of our soul's calling that leads to suffering and destruction?

I am repeatedly humbled with each phase of my personal evolution and healing. It's endless, really.

I find myself wondering, "if there were no restrictions, no practicalities, no cultural pressures and conditionings, if we were raised with more freedom and self-connection, would these humblings be so dramatic? So painful?"

Always, the new directions my soul path take me are beyond what I could have planned with my mind.

They are beyond because they view from a higher perspective. Higher than the human level. Or is it wider? Or deeper? Just beyond.

God or Goddess knows. The eye of the Universe sees "the whole" in all time and dimension, after all. I find the new path I am reaching for, when it is presented to me, when it emerges, when it feels right, when it sparkles with clarity, delights and surprises me.

It astounds me every time, and this is why I keep reaching, because it seems miraculous.

What I mean by this is that the solutions to my problems, the answers to my questions, the fulfilment of my yearnings, are all curated into perfect balance and harmony. I am touched by the eco-system of spirit.

What is good for me is good for others. What satisfies me, pleases others. What lights me up, touches the light in others.

There is a false conditioning in my mind that when I over-give, when I sacrifice my wellbeing, when I allow others to over-step, when I keep silent, then I am behaving like a “good” and acceptable person.

Isn't that oppression?

I have fought for freedom all my life.

It's internal, and it's external. I fight battles with my negative internal self-talk (oh, so much), with people I love and care about (ouch), with authorities and institutions.

In the end, these "contractions" give way to something else, my soul. The evolution comes with receiving my self.

With receiving my self, comes receiving divinity.

It is my experience, that human beings are spiritual beings. This is what I know to be true.

It is my spiritual practice that is the foundation, the safe space, the birthing pool of my existence, of my new life. Every time.

My most recent practices of sitting with God, of speaking to Goddess, of looking in the mirror and seeing divinity, sit on top of a foundation of all the many rebirths and evolutions that have come before.

They are layered on top of the many meditations, prayers, imaginings, shamanic journeys and sacred rituals in sacred places.

Here I sit in the middle of the night, alone in my birth. Alone and not alone. The loneliness has driven me all my life. It's the disconnection that is so painful, that feels like death, that must be avoided.

It has been a survival strategy to remain attached, to hold tight, or to shut myself off. None of it works!

Right now, certain choices have become clear. 

 

The spiritual connection and fulfilment is there when I know that I belong to myself.

When I know that being my authentic self in this world, with truth and honest expression, with originality, with all my uniqueness rather than trying to fit in or to avoid conflict, with my vulnerability, with my flaws, with my shame, my imperfections, with my greatness, my wisdom, my gifts, all of this, is the only path to peace. 

This is true even if shining my light might hurt others.This is true, even if I lose relationships, things, plans, or dreams in the process. Loss is part of it. Feeling afraid of what I might lose is human 😊

I didn't set it up like this. I was born into this world, this family, this culture. The choices I make in life to support my own health and wellbeing have an impact on others. Sometimes it's small, and sometimes it's large.

The fear, terror, anxiety and nerves have fallen into the birthing pool. Here is the calm. The calm of inner knowing, of confidence.

It's time to make the changes.