Phoenix

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“What is my point of empowerment?” This is the question of my soul. Having experienced so much dis-empowerment (can you relate?), this is the reach. What alchemy shifts me from one to the other?

A higher perspective helps. To see my human body down here on earth, living it’s human life, just one life of many, on just one planet in a large universe. Yet, this takes practice, and certainly doesn’t serve to soothe the pain when I’m really in it.

I find Phoenix and her symbolism to be so wide-reaching, all-embracing and penetrating. Perhaps she has always been with me? Whatever way we look at it (whether spirit animals and mythological creatures are real and just in a different dimension, or whether they represent a purely psychological influence), the benefits are still there.

I find myself re-visiting her regularly. She calls to me. I start seeing her in my mind’s eye, and sensing the gentle flutter of large, powerful wings together with an almost breathless heat. My throat catches with the excitement of the uplift, the expansion, the sheer, burning power of her.

I welcome her. I feel tearful with the hunger for her. The need. The desperate desire for freedom.

Oppression is a terrible thing. It’s that feeling of being over-powered and controlled, which seems to make your world feel smaller and smaller, until you can’t see out anymore.

The internalised oppression is a thing. It’s a real thing. It’s the strongest prison I have known, and yet there is always a point of empowerment, and it is this. If something is internal then I can change it. This has been the foundation for me all along. Like a faith.

I marvel at the ingenuity of the human spirit. Our internal selves find endless imaginative ways to endure and survive the external situations, and then to survive the internalised conditioning. Until we don’t.

Have you lost someone to the dark? I know I have, and I have lost myself there too many times (eternal gratitude to my personal support system for having my back) (eternal gratitude to the something inside of me that dared to reach out).

   

For me, Phoenix exists in the dark. That is where she meets me. That is where my soul merges with the inimitable force of life. Think of the flames of a fire, sparking, shining, glowing like a Sun. Always, in the dark, she is there. I am there.

In the singular moment I experience a stretch in my being. We are fire, we are Phoenix, we are burning wood, embers, ash and earth. We are the dark, night sky above and we are the stars that reach out to the edges of the Universe.

 

The invitation is there. My Mother Earth receives the dead ash into her belly, to bring new life, in an eternal cycle. I can trust Her. I can trust Phoenix as she guides me.

I feel beckoned to allow the burning wood of my body, my history, my hidden and lost selves, to turn to ash, to turn white, die and decay leaving the bones of what happened.

All of it feeds the earth. Is drawn down. Absorbed. Swallowed.

The process simultaneously empties me, tears flooding out, and blazes with mind-blowing expansion. I have head bowed and wings spread eternally wide, as I shine like a dawning Sun.

From this launching position, Phoenix turns my face upwards to look at the sky. I feel my own power inside. I feel rage turning to passion. I feel imprisonment turning to freedom. I feel hopelessness turning to possibility. I feel wounds turning into wisdom.

Here is where the higher perspective is now able to touch me. It comes with peace, with compassion. It comes with the release, with the healing, with having been held, validated and seen by this burning, intense presence of God in the form of Phoenix.

Without being held in the presence of the divine, and loved so unconditionally, a higher perspective just sounds trite. Wounds must be met with kindness first.

Surely this is the process of forgiveness? The sacred pathway of the masters who teach us how to find peace. It is surely the peace of our own internal selves that we seek.

Thank you, Phoenix. Thank you for calling to me, for burning with me and in me.

Much love for now,

ilana x


 Firesong on youtube


 

 

 


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