Burning through the Shame - Summer Solstice Ritual

Recently, we have been talking in my Sister Circle about over-responsibility. So many of us relate to this pattern.

I am not a Psychologist but here is what I have been learning. When we are children and there is chaos, neglect, conflict, addiction, unavailability or abuse, the innate intelligence within us finds a way forward.

I have observed that our systems are naturally seeking connection, regulation, pleasure, empowerment. When we can’t find these things, we do what we have to do to survive.

As human infants, we need connection with our caregivers in order to survive. They feed us, touch us, keep us warm. Without which, we would die. A simple truth.

Our fantastic and clever psyche comes up with ways to navigate when these primary connections are flawed.

One thing we do is take too much responsibility. We can absorb the pain of others, we can work really hard to try to fix or rescue, we can endlessly perfect ourselves or our behaviours, or our surroundings.

We begin feeling like it’s all our fault. We strive and strive and strive but it’s never enough.

Illumination

At this Summer Solstice I am receiving the illumination of truth. The truth is this.

What if it was never all your fault? What if you can’t fix what’s not yours to fix?

We resist the truth because it feels so hopeless and it raises so much grief, and the grief can feel crushing. All this time we had a false belief, and we’ve been working so hard to fix everything! What if fixing everything was never really within our control? What if that survival strategy did help us, but now it’s time to let it go?

We feel conned. Conned by an illusion that if we work hard enough, get pretty enough, earn enough money, rise in the ranks enough, become popular enough, heal enough, forgive enough, understand enough, fix enough, if we can BE enough, then we will find what we are looking for.

Peace, acceptance, rest, stillness, happiness, joy, creative flow.

Enough

Let’s talk about the shame.

The shame that we are not enough. Shame is there, in its purest form, as a survival strategy. Shame lets us know when we are behaving in a way that the tribe will reject. It gets us back on track, to belong, to maintain connection, to survive.

When our primary connections are flawed, and when the tribe is flawed, we deduce all sorts of things. Our system is vital, extremely intelligent, and it wants us to survive. It’s an evolutionary force.

So, we learn that in THIS tribe, in the moments of chaotic, neglectful, abandoning, addicted, LOST tribe, we have to do something extraordinary in order to maintain connection, in order to belong, in order to survive.

The shame directs us AWAY from behaviours that DON’T FIT.

So, shame can become misplaced. It can decide that being able to fix impossible things is the only way to fit. Being perfect is the only way to fit. Being over-responsible is the only way to fit. Abandoning our own needs is the only way to fit.

And shame is so fiercely protective that it holds us in these patterns. For what seems to be a life sentence.

Let’s not shame the shame.

Let’s thank it for its intelligence and also, let’s take back the steering wheel. The truth is, we were always enough.

Claiming Freedom

So, today, I am intending a release. A snap back into the present. Kindness and compassion for the past and the patterns, and a laying down. Laying down the burden of over-responsibility.

Burning through shame. Shame that I am responsible and yet I can’t fix things. Because it’s impossible to fix things that aren’t mine to fix. Laying down the impossible tasks. Giving back what’s not mine. Shining light on the misplaced shame.

Illuminating the truth. The burdens I carried - they weren’t really mine.

Claiming freedom. Freedom to honour my sacred self. Freedom to have needs and have them met. Freedom to know what’s not mine and lay it down, or give it back.

Permission to be loved. Permission to be the lover of myself, because love is the tribe I really belong to, and love is the tribe I choose.

Much love for now,

ilana x