A Past Life Story - Confessions of a Roman Catholic Soldier
A Past Life Story - Confessions of a Roman Catholic Soldier
I entered my Imbolc journey on the 1st of February with the intention to travel through forgiveness, and to seek more balance in my life.
The forgiveness I sought was towards Christianity. By this I mean the leaders of the religion who decided to persecute anyone who had beliefs in conflict with their own. There has been endless violence throughout history.
Recently, I was reminded of the murders of many shamans and witches and even now, the ongoing rhetoric of Christian missionaries who declare shamans to be “evil”. The reminder caught my heart and began to tear on it.
Usually I have a balanced and embracing attitude towards all religions and I can see the truth and love at the core of them. However, on this occasion, I was triggered. I realised the ideas were touching some old wounds.
I was experiencing feelings of anger, rage, devastation and grief. I knew I needed to honour, express and release these feelings, and I came to Imbolc with all of this to ask Spirit for healing and guidance, strength and humility.
I’ve learnt a lot since Imbolc!
I am grateful to the people I shared my earth spirituality practice with, as their honesty about their own forgiveness practice raised my awareness about mine. This is the beauty of sharing.
This forgiveness I needed was towards myself, and not towards others, as this particular moment. Now it seems obvious but at the time it just wasn’t in my awareness. I recalled a past life I have previously brought much healing to in the past. It was time to re-visit it.
In the past life I was a Catholic soldier and I remember being involved in the persecution of the Cathars. The Cathars were a sect of Catholicism that held certain beliefs in conflict with the dogma of the religion.
I have a distinct memory of my heart breaking as I stood ushering the line of Cathars towards the distant fires, where they would leap to their deaths.
While my mind in that life was fundamentalist in nature, my heart cracked open in that moment and wept and screamed and it changed me.
Exploring this past life more deeply in these past few weeks of dreams, meditation and reflection, my sub-conscious mind has brought me greater understanding of all sorts of things, which is enriching my views of the world, and leading me further on my path to peace.
My personal path to peace, and all of yours, is the way to bring about peace on this Earth. I believe it is the most profound contribution any of us can make in this world. As we crystallised during that Imbolc ceremony together “unforgiveness is the barrier to peace”.
What I have remembered and understood is that I fully believed and accepted the dogma of my religion. I fully believed and accepted the rationale of my leaders. I agreed that the Cathars were bringing about their own suffering by challenging the divine laws. I saw the situation very much in black and white.
My intellect did not wander into viewing the world from other people’s perspectives. I did not know empathy. I found their attitudes to be completely foreign and incomprehensible. I was full of fear, even terror, of the evil that they were nurturing.
As a soldier, I had vowed to commit whatever acts necessary in order to protect my people, and to protect the divinity of my religion. I believed I was ordained by God through his priests to do this holy work.
In that moment when my heart cracked open, doubts entered my mind. However, my military training meant that I was able to continue with my work.
Perhaps it was because there was a young couple I knew and loved who were, at that moment, walking to their deaths. This young couple had my love and affection. I cared. I had had many conversations with them over recent months as I knew what was coming. I tried to warn them.
I tried to get them to see the errors of their thinking and beliefs. We debated and argued to no avail. In the end, when I saw that they were willing to die for their beliefs it convinced me even more of the evil of this Cathar sect!
The young woman was heavily pregnant as she walked past me in the line towards the distant fires and screams. I coldly turned my head away. I hated them for what they were doing.
It was a short while after this, around the time that I knew they must be reaching the fires themselves, that my heart broke.
It was as though they took a piece of my heart with them. Hatred turned to horror and regret.
I was forever changed.
I lived the rest of that life in agony and anguish.
I continued to carry out my duties as a Catholic soldier but I developed an “attitude”. I challenged the authorities in cantankerous, self-destructive ways. I was bitter. The pain festered unresolved. The truth of the situation, that both sides were wrong, was not something I could accept. I did not have the emotional or spiritual sophistication in that life.
Here I am now though. Crying as I write this. Reaching for the emotional and spiritual sophistication that I need to forgive my soul self. Praying for the help of my ancestors, angels and guides. Knowing that as I heal myself, forgiveness naturally flows towards others as well.
I truly believe that when we listen to our wounds, acknowledge and accept them, rather than ignore, repress and suppress them, we heal. Our wounds need to be heard!
It is my ongoing experience with this Roman Catholic journey that I honour myself through writing forgiveness, supporting myself by giving myself time, compassion, kindness and earth-based shamanic healing including flower essences and homeopathy.
My body is expressing the soul pain through a flare up in a skin condition. It is centred on my ring finger, which is the finger I wore a ring on, to represent my marriage to God. As I work with this soul wound, I am watching the agony express itself in my physical body. This type of healing work requires patience, faith and dedication.
These are the times when spiritual practice can support us.
Thank you for hearing some of my confession! You bear witness and I am humbly grateful.
The divine in me honours the divine in you.
Om Shanti,
ilana x
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